She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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