The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
