I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
