I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
