So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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