So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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