On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
