Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im holly from the hills drunk
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
