It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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