Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
True strength comes from lack of pants
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
