Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
