Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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