my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
