shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
