I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
