i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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