Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
