i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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