he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
