Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
