We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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