My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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