I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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