It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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