before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity