i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
