are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
