I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
