You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
