I wanna bring you to show and tell
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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