i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
