ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We are two peas in an std pod
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
