my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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