a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
