I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
