i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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