this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
