6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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