Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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