The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
