Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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