So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
