my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
