Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
