Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
