look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
