you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
