i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
