There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
