i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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