I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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