you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
