dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
