Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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