Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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