The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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