I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
