whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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