i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
