don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
where are my eyebrows?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
