I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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